Stan Doll

IF YOU’RE RUNNING LATE FOR SOMETHING, DO YOU WALK FASTER, OR RUN, OR JUST GET THERE WHEN YOU GET THERE?

Walk or run? Where am I? Sweden? [laughter] Come on, hippie! Drive faster!

ARE YOU GOOD AT ESTIMATING HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE IN A CROWD?

Not so much.

HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU HAVE ON YOUR PERSON RIGHT NOW?

Seven hundred-ish.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH $700? DO YOU ALWAYS WALK AROUND WITH A LOT OF MONEY?

Oh, no. I didn’t know if that question was cash-specific. I never carry cash. But technically, I have that much “on me.”

OH, I SEE. SO IF SOMEBODY ROBS YOUR BANK, YOU’LL BE OUT 700 BUCKS?

Something like that. Although, I think I’m safe even if someone robs the bank! Right? [laughter]

YEAH, I’M PRETTY SURE YOUR BANK HAS A BACKUP PLAN FOR STUFF LIKE THAT. IF YOU HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO NEVER SHAVE AGAIN OR NEVER POOP AGAIN, WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE, AND WHY?

[laughter] Now we’re getting into that serious hard-hitting journalism. [laughs]

HAHA, YES, SOME OF THESE QUESTIONS WERE CONTRIBUTED BY MY SLACKER INTERNS, WOODWARD AND BERNSTEIN.

I was starting to think this was a puff piece. Tough call. They both feel great. I’ll take never shaving. Pooping feels better.

LET’S TALK ABOUT CINCINNATI. ISN’T IT SO WEIRD THAT YOU LIVE THERE?

It’s really fucking weird.

WHAT’S IT LIKE WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND YOU REALIZE YOU’RE IN CINCINNATI?

[laughs] I actually have those types of realizations a lot. Not necessarily when I wake up. Usually when I’m having afternoon cocktails somewhere. If I’m outside and the city is in view. I’ll definitely have a “I-can’t-believe-I-fucking-live-here” moment. It’s really fucking strange to drive back to Cincy – let’s say I spent the weekend in Louisville – and have it feel like I’m driving home. Really, really strange.

HOW MANY MILES ARE ON YOUR CAR?

11,650.

WHOA. DID YOU GET A NEW CAR? I WAS EXPECTING SIX DIGITS!

[laughs] Yeaaahhhhh! Got a sweet-ass Scion. The only car company sponsored by raves. [laughter] Drove it to New Orleans [for the wedding of Chris Reinstatler, K Composite 9].

HOW OFTEN DO PEOPLE ASK YOU IF STAN DOLL IS YOUR REAL NAME?

Fairly often!

YEAH. IT REALLY SEEMS LIKE A ROCK’N’ROLL STAGE NAME. DO YOU PLAN TO HAVE CHILDREN, AND IF SO, WILL ONE OF THEM BE NAMED CHARLES STANLEY DOLL THE FIFTH?

No plans yet. Although it’s not totally out of the question. But if it’s a dude, absolutely.

DO YOU HAVE ANY PENS OR PENCILS WITH THE NAMES OF COMPANIES ON THEM? IF SO, WHAT ARE SOME OF THE ONES YOU REMEMBER?

The last two “biz pens” I remember having were a Korean restaurant pen that was so big it had pictures of the food on it, and a Viagra pen and James Case gave me. I only use pencils for [the game] pencil break.

TELL ME ABOUT YOUR CAREER AS A CHEESE MONGER. HOW DID YOU GET INTO THAT LINE OF WORK?

It was kinda accidental. When I quit my first job at Better Days Records, I was looking around for work, and Wild Oats had a huge ad in Leo or something that they were taking applications, even though [the store] was still being built.

I was excited because I was really into cooking and wines and all that other stuff and thought this would be a cool entry level gig that would maybe inspire me to check out the food-gourmet-chef-type world.

So in the application, they ask you to write down the positions you’re interested in. I checked a lot of them off, because even though the food service part of it was most appealing, I was still out of work and would have taken anything. So when they picked me for the cheese department, I was pretty fucking stoked.

It was me and this girl who they made manger because she had some manager experience at a Whole Foods on the east coast or something… in the frozen section. WTF? And she not only knew nothing about cheese, but confessed to not really liking it at all. She was nice enough, so it didn’t bother me. Besides, she let me do all the “fun” work – fun for me at least – and she just fucked with the numbers and all the other managerial bullshit I didn’t care about.

So I read books and ordered and tasted and got to stock the stuff I wanted. I really enjoyed it, and felt like I learned a lot. Plus, the whole place was so chaotic the first month. Managers quitting and getting replaced. I appeared to be the only one who liked their position and it showed, so they left me alone.

I did a pretty decent job, even though I’m terrible at retail. I’m sure a few old ladies had decent cheese selections at their parties. Plus I got a design job from it. I got to redesign the Kenny’s Farmhouse Cheese label, which I was very stoked about. I even had one of the cheese reps take me out for some outrageous $500 lunch at Lily’s just because. She told me not to go over $100 a bottle. Come on! [laughter]

I got away with some total bullshit, too. Lords [Stan’s former band] started around the same time, and I was constantly leaving for tours, and they didn’t really care… not until the seventh or eighth food service manger. [laughter]

He took that position REAL seriously and made me make a choice. But they were all on their way out – Whole Foods buying up Wild Oats – anyways. But yeah, great job. Wish I was still involved in the “monde du fromage” somehow. [laughter]

HOW MANY TIMES A DAY DO YOU CONSIDER SWITCHING TO A MAC?

Hmm. It’s only in moments of PC Panic, like my shit overheating or something. Do Macs overheat?

MAC LAPTOPS GET PRETTY WARM IF YOU’RE USING STUFF LIKE PHOTOSHOP OR VIDEOS FOR A WHILE, BUT I’VE NEVER HAD ONE STOP WORKING BECAUSE IT GOT TOO HOT. SO… LAST YEAR, AN IDEA POPPED INTO YOUR HEAD FOR A RAP SONG ABOUT GIRLS WHO HAVE FLARES IN THEIR YOGA PANTS, BUT YOU HAD ONLY COME UP WITH ONE LINE FOR IT. HAVE YOU MADE ANY MORE PROGRESS OR HAVE YOU BEEN ENLIGHTENED WITH ANY OTHER POTENTIAL NUMBER ONE HITS?

[laughter] I thought about it a few months ago when I was at the gym and saw a lady wit some “hot azz” flared yoga pants, but nothing since. I’ve really got nothing for the rap game even though I spend so much time studying it.

DO YOU THINK THE RECENT GENERATIONS OF MEN ARE NOT AS TOUGH BECAUSE THEY NEVER GOT DRAFTED TO FIGHT IN WARS?

I don’t know, man. Since moving to Cincy, I feel like I’m always surrounded by tough dudes.

IF YOU HAD BEEN DRAFTED TO GO TO IRAQ OR AFGHANISTAN HOW WOULD YOU HAVE REACTED? WOULD YOU HAVE SIGNED UP OR WOULD YOU RUN AWAY LIKE A FUCKING PUSSY?

Feel like my first reaction would be to run away like a fucking pussy. Don’t really feel like killing anybody… or being anybody that’s killed. Also, I’m still battling the war on drugs… sooooo [laughter]

WHICH SIDE ARE YOU ON? [laughter] TELL ME ABOUT P90X. HOW DID YOU GET SUCKED INTO THIS CULT, HOW FAR GONE ARE YOU, AND WHAT ARE YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT IT SO FAR?

It fucking rules! I first saw the infomercial at the Mariott on Canal Street in New Orleans. I remember laying in bed trying to get rid of the first night’s hangover, skipping through channels. I was about to skip the commerical three seconds in, but [Stan’s girlfriend] Vanessa told me to hold up because she had heard about this program.

Of course, I was laughing a lot at first I mean, ya got lots of bros yelling into the camera making ridiculous, funny comments, however, I started seeing the customary-workout-informercial ‘before and after pics’ and it started to look kind of awesome. [laughter]

Currently we’re starting our third week of the 90-day program, and I can’t stop talking about it. It’s incredible. I actually look forward to it everyday. The workouts are fucking serious and are never ever boring. Can’t wait to get into tanning. [laughter]

RANK THESE MEMBERS OF HOWARD STERN’S CAST IN ORDER OF HOW MUCH YOU LIKE THEM, FROM MOST TO LEAST: WENDY THE RETARD, SAL AND RICHARD, RONNIE THE LIMO DRIVER, ARTIE, BABABOOEY, ROBIN, MARIANNE FROM BROOKLYN, ERIC THE MIDGET, HIGHPITCH ERIC, AND FRED. OR ANYONE ELSE YOU REALLY ENJOY WHO I DIDN’T MENTION. [laughs]

Number one, not listed, Debbie the pet lady. She’s my first because I could listen to her scream all fucking day long. Hilarious.

Two, Sal and Richard. [laughter] Sal’s a fucking idiot and a total dick, but their prank calls are almost always pretty good.

ABSOLUTELY. SOMETIMES I HAVE TO LEAVE MY DESK AT WORK BECAUSE I’M CRYING AT THEIR CALLS. I LOVE WHEN THEY CALL OTHER RADIO SHOWS! THE MORTGAGE CALL-IN IS TIMELESS.

Three, Ronnie the limo driver. [laughter] His accent rules and he’s easily worked up… one of the characters on there that gets picked on sooo much, but you don’t care at all!

NOT AT ALL. I LOOK FORWARD TO IT! I THINK HE HAS THE SHORTEST FUSE ON EARTH.

Four, Eric the Midget… even though he hasn’t been on in a while, because he refuses to participate…. [laughter] he’s another one that gets worked up over the silliest things. You feel bad that he gets picked on, yet you love it because he’s so fucking annoying. [laughter]

Number five, Artie. I think he’s just okay honestly.

REALLY?

He didn’t seem to participate all that much and only said funny shit every now and then… kind of a dick most of the time. Although, that time he got pissed at Sal and threw the CD at him… that was great. Pretty much anytime he got angry about something, it was awesome.

Six, Scott Depace.

[in the voice of Frau Farbissina…] SCOTT! [yes, that’s an Austin Powers reference in 2011]

He’s the TV director who’s always chiming in with his conservative Republican views that are pretty fucking outrageous and who gets the other people on the show worked up. You hate him, but you like that he’s there getting everyone fired up with the stupid shit he believes

Seven… Wendy/Highpitch/Marrianne/Bababooey/Fred. I’m ranking them all together because, I feel pretty neutral about them. I’m sure the show would be different kr not as good without them, but they don’t do a whole lot for me, character-wise.

WOW. I THINK SHE’S GOTTEN MORE INTOLERABLE OVER THE YEARS, BUT IT’S BETTER NOW THAT THEY PLAY THE “HIGH HORSE” MUSIC EVERY TIME SHE TALKS ABOUT SERIOUS STUFF.

Honorable mention: George Takei.

ABSOLUTELY!

Not really a regular member of the show, but when he hangs out for a week, it’s fucking great!