3 times of year more wonderful than the “most wonderful time of the year”

Knock it off, Andrew.
Knock it off, Andrew. We’re not buying your propaganda anymore.

Contrary to the joyous, melodic claims of crooner Andy Williams in his 1963 hit song, our research department has uncovered significant evidence suggesting that the Christmas season is not, in fact, the “most wonderful time of the year.”

During this reportedly “wonderful” time, the weather is cold, the trees are dead and chilly gusts make your face hurt. When it’s not covered by ice and snow, the soft, green grass turns to a crunchy brown.

Strangers you pass barely watch where they’re walking, while struggling to keep warm and text with gloves on.

As the season progresses, many feel pressured into finding and giving gifts to people they don’t particularly care for. Yet even when the recipient is someone they love, the stress of finding that perfect gift is only surpassed by the stress of graciously receiving fashionably obsolete sweaters, retirement-ready Isotoners, scented Yankee Candles and useless gift cards to stores you try to avoid. We’re looking at you, Walmart.

All of this buzz-chafing is further complicated by the obligation to socialize with odd, distant relatives whose very presence necessitates a form of communication that carefully tiptoes around the landmines of politics and culture. (So these are the people who make Big Bang Theory popular!)

K Composite Magazine’s crack team of investigators have identified at least three times of year that are much more wonderful than the so-called “happy” holidays. Here are our findings.

Summer

People are alive and free in the summer. No matter how unbearable each year’s “song of the summer” turns out to be, many people are resigned to having “Hey Ya” by Outkast forced on them one more time, rather than Bruce Springsteen or Mariah Carey’s Christmas songs.

You deserve this: 6 crazy facts about Christmas that’ll make you shit your pants.

In the summer, you can leave the house wearing pretty much whatever you have on inside the house and nourishing beams of Vitamin D radiate out of the sky in the form of warm sunshine.

Of course, it can sometimes get too hot, humid, disgusting or gross. But even when the insects show up to suck the blood out of your skin, you’ll think about how much better it is than sitting in a room trying to avoid talking about the death of democracy while the colorized version of Miracle on 34th Street plays in 5-minute segments between commercials for accident lawyers.

360-sofia-staaf
This is summer. (Photo: Jessica Silversaga)

Oktoberfest

Photo: John Niedermeyer
Really, Andy? You think Christmas is more wonderful than this? (Photo: John Niedermeyer)

For two weeks every year, the otherwise staid and meticulously organized German city of Munich bursts into song as thousands from around the world converge for the sheer purpose of having fun.

The menu of fun at Oktoberfest includes dancing, singing along to festive live music, eating freshly-cooked comfort food, the camaraderie of new and old friends, and the sporting of otherwise embarrassing outfits which are made instantly acceptable by the 7 million liters of beer consumed during the festival.

This is such a wonderful time of year that it has the remarkable power to produce smiles and laughter from the German people. That’s no minor accomplishment.

Of course, a smaller version of Oktoberfest is held in almost every Western city, so you needn’t travel to Bavaria to research the all the reasons why Oktoberfest is scientifically more wonderful than Christmas. As the saying goes, “If you can’t be happy, at least you can be drunk.”

April 14th

That’s right. A random day we just pulled out of a bag turns out to be more wonderful than Christmas.

As the birds are singing and flowers are starting to bloom again, the 104th day of the year (105th day during leaps years) totally beats freezing your hooters off while trying to unlock a door that’s frozen shut. And that’s true even if it’s a Monday.

If you must celebrate something, the 14th of April is the birthday of Breakfast Club actor Anthony Michael Hall, coal miner’s daughter Loretta Lynn, Soviet cosmonaut Valentin Vitaliyevich Lebedev, “Smoke on the Water” guitarist Ritchie Blackmore and gambling enthusiast Pete Rose.

Happy 14th, everybody!

Look at all these white motherfuckers having a great time while Pennsylvania Governor John Tener throws out the first pitch. This was April 14, 1914, a random example of a great April 14th. (Photo: Bain News Service, LOC)
Look at all these white motherfuckers having a good old time as Pennsylvania Governor John Tener throws out the first pitch. This was April 14, 1914, a random example of a wonderful April 14th. (Photo: Bain News Service, LOC)